Wish I was..

“I’ll be alright.

My heads under water, 

But I’m breathing fine.”

-All of Me, John Legend

I’m happy. The grass smells good, our gardner’s just mowed. The wind shivers faintly by me. I’m sitting outside tanning, and oh, how glorious! I love it. Better get inside soon, before my skin turns into a boiling hot mess. I don’t mind being a hot mess, but my skin.. not so much. You’d think it was summer with how hot it is outside. If only it’d stay this way until summer actually comes! But it’s to rain next week, and get colder for a while again.

That’s how May is. It’s super hot, then freezing cold. Extreme this, extreme that… the way I am. Deeply in love one minute, raging at the despised the next.

In our neighborhood it’s rare to find a kid who doesn’t drink once in a while. But Soda never touches a drop— he doesn’t need to. He gets drunk on just plain living. And he understands that everybody else does, and he doesn’t mind it.

713

I’ve just got back from a lonely place. And it’s mostly made lonely by me, because I’m rather cruel. The truth is I’m never going to go chasing after him anymore. I’ve already done too much of that. It’s too exhausting to run for so long without reward. So I’m done. Truth is, whether I’m being rude or not, I don’t know. And it’s stressful because, if he was friendly to me, then I’d know that he doesn’t mind. Which he is, once in a while. But I don’t know him well enough to know whether he minds or not, that I’m not unless he is first. Yet I do care.

So I encourage myself, because there’s somebody else to look up to now. I’d much rather give attention to somebody who enjoys it. Plus, I’ve a heart in the matter. Trust me, putting your heart in a matter is a hard thing. But it’s got to be done. I rather want it to be so.

But lo! I’m being vague again! Sorry, I’ve got to be. The foggier, the better matching to my personal confusion. I don’t know much. So I won’t say much, till I know all about it, and then I can spill out all the juicy details. Only know that I’m in a hard place, and funny thing is I don’t want to be pulled out of it. And together we are going to the insane asylum, and he’s carrying me there.

So I’m done.

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