Wish I was..

“I’ll be alright.

My heads under water, 

But I’m breathing fine.”

-All of Me, John Legend

I’m happy. The grass smells good, our gardner’s just mowed. The wind shivers faintly by me. I’m sitting outside tanning, and oh, how glorious! I love it. Better get inside soon, before my skin turns into a boiling hot mess. I don’t mind being a hot mess, but my skin.. not so much. You’d think it was summer with how hot it is outside. If only it’d stay this way until summer actually comes! But it’s to rain next week, and get colder for a while again.

That’s how May is. It’s super hot, then freezing cold. Extreme this, extreme that… the way I am. Deeply in love one minute, raging at the despised the next.

In our neighborhood it’s rare to find a kid who doesn’t drink once in a while. But Soda never touches a drop— he doesn’t need to. He gets drunk on just plain living. And he understands that everybody else does, and he doesn’t mind it.


I’ve just got back from a lonely place. And it’s mostly made lonely by me, because I’m rather cruel. The truth is I’m never going to go chasing after him anymore. I’ve already done too much of that. It’s too exhausting to run for so long without reward. So I’m done. Truth is, whether I’m being rude or not, I don’t know. And it’s stressful because, if he was friendly to me, then I’d know that he doesn’t mind. Which he is, once in a while. But I don’t know him well enough to know whether he minds or not, that I’m not unless he is first. Yet I do care.

So I encourage myself, because there’s somebody else to look up to now. I’d much rather give attention to somebody who enjoys it. Plus, I’ve a heart in the matter. Trust me, putting your heart in a matter is a hard thing. But it’s got to be done. I rather want it to be so.

But lo! I’m being vague again! Sorry, I’ve got to be. The foggier, the better matching to my personal confusion. I don’t know much. So I won’t say much, till I know all about it, and then I can spill out all the juicy details. Only know that I’m in a hard place, and funny thing is I don’t want to be pulled out of it. And together we are going to the insane asylum, and he’s carrying me there.

So I’m done.


When Evenings Change One

Dear Darlings,

“Cuz there’s no place, no place like home.”

I suppose it’s about time I relay everything that’s been eating at me since last weekend.

 A* elbows me sharply. I look over to my right. She smiles, raises her eyebrows. Directioning me toward a handsome guy from which a cool smell ensues. I look at her and nod slowly. Ah, yes. The glory of a great-smelling guy. You’d say, rare to discover these days? Well, I’ve found otherwise.

The best thing that happened in the past week or two has been my trip to Central America. It was a weekend full of firsts: first flight on a plane w/out parents. First time 20 hours from home. First time seeing so much Slavic youth in one place. It was a phenomenal experience, and now we are gone, I find myself missing it.

The jet lag was so funny! I looked at my phone, and then looked down again. Time change, you know how it goes. You’ve flown for forever, yet not at all. Timeless sleep, is what I like to call it. As though you can sleep on a plane. I attempted to sleep, but found myself playing cellphone games and listening to music to pass the time. Anyways, we landed alright. I held on to D*’s hand tightly often, but I was pleasantly surprised. Everything was so smooth! It was insane to think that we were really thousands of feet from the ground. Flying above the clouds was my favorite. I wish I were a bird.

Once we got there, a little trouble was taken settling in, but everything worked out. We found the relative we were staying at to be super kind, though a bit odd. Older people oft are. Yet, we were warmly fed and well-slept. What more could a person ask? All the comforts of (her) home were at our disposal.

As we stretched that morning, I had no idea what these days would hold. It turned out they were absolutely exciting, and hectic, and crazy. To be honest, in a way, the entire thing was overwhelming. Imagine there being 3,000 young people, only maybe 120 of whom you know (or have even seen before) running around a huge building in heels, trying to get some socialization in between wall-to-wall sessions. Especially trying to stand out in the crowd! Well, I suppose I did. K* said many eyes were on me. You catch a lot of attention when you’re tall. At least that’s what others say. But I like to credit it to other things. Things like confidence, and joy, and general well-being. True character. Its not necessarily what gets you noticed, but it’s certainly what keeps you from being forgotten. And once you’ve met me, I want to be impossible to forget.

The morning of the first day was alright. We sat with our aunt’s niece, A*. What with sharing the same name, we found each other to be very alike. I adore her. She’s bubbly, and she moves around quickly. Within minutes, she’d lost me and found me again. That’s an insanely good skill at a Congress. She thinks it’s accident, but I know it’s fate. We were meant to be friends.

And then, I found someone. We had moved up a few seats from the front of the building, to accommodate our more tired minds. D* and K* went out for a minute. Somebody filled in the seats behind us. And then, lo, I heard somebody calling my name! I turned around, and this pretty chick was staring at me as though she knew me. I looked closer and, beside her, I recognized C*! Some girls that were at the youth retreat last year, hours away from me, were here! Some old acquaintances of mine. Somebody from our coast, finally!    Oh, how I rejoiced! I asked A* later if I was acting too happy, but she said it was fine. It was just so, so wonderful to see old friends.

One guy I have a crush on was there. The one I often talk about. And heartbreaking part is now, because I’ve found out the worst news. Truly I’ve suspected it for the longest time… but I shan’t share it here, for fear. Or anywhere, ever.

The funny thing is, apparently D* and M* got together verrrry close. And they were talking about me, and him, their exact words were “They should get together already,” and “they should stop dancing around each other.” It’s the cruelest and sweetest way to put it, but there isn’t a way to resolve this. Because both of us are unsure if we are indeed attracted. And we haven’t figured it out yet, and this horrid news just makes things more complicated..  Because there isn’t an us, and whether there should be or not, I don’t think either of us will ever figure out. But we ought to, and soon.

“Go insane, go insane

throw some glitter, make it rain.”

Wish us luck, would you, dears.

We got in a circle. Yes, we skipped church. But 10 to 10 church is not a right thing! There has to be an earlier ending. How are we supposed to find life partners if we are sitting in church? Sometimes, something must be done. Rebellion is good for you, as long as its in small doses. So we talked. It was me, and C* and Y* and Al* and S*. We met M*. And C* noticed he was wearing a Louis Vuitton belt, and that got our conversation started. We talked for a half hour just about clothing. Then it was cars, and photography, and everything in between. I believe that young people should be knowledgeable, and we certainly are. (Btw, if anybody wants to get me a gift… Prada Saffiano Tote in dusty blue or nude. That’s my dream bag).

Anyhows, I know my values are messed up. It was just so nice to stand in a circle and have other people to talk to, and actually listening to you and your opinions. To discuss something your passionate about. Even to just stand there and glance over at somebody talking. And have their piercing gaze meet your eyes. And just ignore it as if it’s just another face, even when it isn’t. Even when maybe you are melting under that stare. But you’d rather die then have them find out. So you turn away again. You don’t even look down, you simply scan and move on, as though bored. You can’t always act attracted. People will think your giving yourself away. Be super careful. A few more minutes and I would have let my guard down… but then we had to go. The day was over, the night had come.

Anyways, I gave hugs all around.. (even the guys! It’s an American thing, I’m only doing it because they did, but I don’t mind one wit, no matter what D* tries to tell you) .. and we had a fabulous weekend. I was thoroughly satisfied. I miss it now. I miss talking to guys about fashion. I miss getting closer.. and closer… and closer… to people 😉 I miss spending money. I miss seeing new people all the time. I miss laughter.

And most of all, I miss me. Because me is not working 24/7. Me is me when I’m like this, socializing. I’m an extrovert. I go out of my way for others. I’m super loyal. I’m supportive. And I feel happiest when there are a million people around me, and 10,000 of them, I’m able to pay attention to.

Good night!