Wish I was..

“I’ll be alright.

My heads under water, 

But I’m breathing fine.”

-All of Me, John Legend

I’m happy. The grass smells good, our gardner’s just mowed. The wind shivers faintly by me. I’m sitting outside tanning, and oh, how glorious! I love it. Better get inside soon, before my skin turns into a boiling hot mess. I don’t mind being a hot mess, but my skin.. not so much. You’d think it was summer with how hot it is outside. If only it’d stay this way until summer actually comes! But it’s to rain next week, and get colder for a while again.

That’s how May is. It’s super hot, then freezing cold. Extreme this, extreme that… the way I am. Deeply in love one minute, raging at the despised the next.

In our neighborhood it’s rare to find a kid who doesn’t drink once in a while. But Soda never touches a drop— he doesn’t need to. He gets drunk on just plain living. And he understands that everybody else does, and he doesn’t mind it.

713

I’ve just got back from a lonely place. And it’s mostly made lonely by me, because I’m rather cruel. The truth is I’m never going to go chasing after him anymore. I’ve already done too much of that. It’s too exhausting to run for so long without reward. So I’m done. Truth is, whether I’m being rude or not, I don’t know. And it’s stressful because, if he was friendly to me, then I’d know that he doesn’t mind. Which he is, once in a while. But I don’t know him well enough to know whether he minds or not, that I’m not unless he is first. Yet I do care.

So I encourage myself, because there’s somebody else to look up to now. I’d much rather give attention to somebody who enjoys it. Plus, I’ve a heart in the matter. Trust me, putting your heart in a matter is a hard thing. But it’s got to be done. I rather want it to be so.

But lo! I’m being vague again! Sorry, I’ve got to be. The foggier, the better matching to my personal confusion. I don’t know much. So I won’t say much, till I know all about it, and then I can spill out all the juicy details. Only know that I’m in a hard place, and funny thing is I don’t want to be pulled out of it. And together we are going to the insane asylum, and he’s carrying me there.

So I’m done.

Advertisements

The soft rain’s pushing me over

Dear Darlings,

“As the seasons change, I remember how we used to be. Now I can’t go on. I can’t even fight. I’ve got nothing left, just an empty heart.” -Spirit

I don’t mean to be depressing, darlings. But sometimes you’re down, and other times your up. It’s not always crystal clear how you feel. Lately I’ve been feeing strange like that. Probably the bad weather we’ve been having lately has a lot to do with it. I thought it was going to be another in-between fall, like it’s been an in-between summer. Not too hot, not too cool. But it’s been too cold.

Cold enough, in fact, for an early breaking of my beautiful new coat. I’m in love with it, though, so I don’t mind one wit.

Anyhow, the panic escalated quickly, causing me to order out frantically for my turtleneck sweaters. The leaves aren’t staying long, either. I can almost see through the trees. The grass is brown and brittly. Hence my funniness.

IMG_0751

The only thing keeping me above the water, really, has been the wonderful music I’ve recently acquired thanks to my new iphone, new card, and fantastically full bank account. Shopping sprees (mostly for junk food or new clothes) combined with an artful taste of a forty-five minute stretching before bed, or really at any random time throughout the day, have been my remedy. I’ve been hitting everything, from Charlotte Russe to H&M to even the better quality places like Zara and RiverIsland. Anywhere, really. But what’s the point of new clothes if there’s no one to show them off to? Ah, my dilemna. Anyhow, next one my list are Hunter boots (I can’t decide what color?) and perhaps another pair of Uggs. Despite being black and pratical, they’ve worn out fast.

It’s also caused by general loneliness. I can’t be real friends, not with anybody at work. The few times I see people I like is in-between school, jobs, ballet, voice lessons, choir, church, and family time. You see what I’m facing? Ah, to be a kid again. Not even the iphone helps. Virtually seeing people isn’t the same as actually coming up and giving them a hug. I can’t feel their warm hug, or smell their just-showered hair, or sense their careless attitudes.

Other ways I cope… hmmm… oh, weheartit and pinterest. Also burying myself in warm clothing. Just the same things over and over again. And reading LOTR or writing poetry.

Such as this little number, pour instance.

“I tell lies about people.

It causes trouble.

Call them fat.

Fat heart,

big smile,

larger than mine.

Wish I had room to hold

so much joy

but I haven’t. ”

Please tell me if you hate it. It’s a very short part of a very long poem. I’d love to know your opinion, and generally to have help realizing I’m not the only one dropping her back in alignment with the imagined stars at the back of her head. Sometimes you just get so drunk on loneliness that it’s hard to pull yourself out of the hangover, even if you want to.

I love you.

-XOXO

NicoleNonChaire

Call all the Ladies Out

Ello Darlings! Happy New Year! Welcome to 2014!

Currently Wearing: Long, Sparkling Gold dress found while thrift shopping with my Grandmeré, White Ankle Buckle Up Heeled Booties by Kenneth Cole, and various pieces of jewelry by Tiffany’s and Marc Jacobs. My hair is up in a side swept messy bun, and the trails are curled.

Currently Listening to: Team by Lorde

The outfit above is what I was wearing to the New Years Eve service last night. For the party with youth I changed into more comfortable clothing, naturally. We went there with the fantastic H&H twins. Although they do listen to some questionable music (much like all of us, I suppose) their hearts are truly in the right place. K, my cousin, and D, my sister, and I all went up to State College with them. It’s a few hours journey from where we live, so by the time church ended and we got started, things just kept getting later and later.

When we arrived at the party, it was literally 11:48. We came in, said hello, set out a few dishes, everyone prayed, and then it was already 12:00! I absolutely love parties. I was really sorry that we were so late, because we missed about half of it. All the Vovch. girls had to leave almost immediently. I was hoping Angela would stay at ours all night, but she decided to attend another party, where I suppose she had more fun, since she didn’t come home.

Screen Shot 2013-10-29 at 8.47.46 AM

The great thing about the party was that all of the Dyb guys were there (since it was at their house) and they invited all of their incredibly good-looking friends. A, my crush, was there. I don’t know about he liking me. K says it’s possible, and I think it is too, but he wasn’t completely outgoing in showing it. Probably because H&H nearly flooded him with comments about how V likes him. She likes everybody, and I think their cruel to make it into a joke, but I suppose he was in over his head. Those guys just don’t know how to leave well enough alone. Actually, it was really funny! I’m just wondering if it influenced his feelings toward me…

In retort, he mentioned that he prefers girls who are like, tanner, and things. Says he wants to move down to Miami where all the pretty girls are. We all laughed like crazy at that. I mean, I get the vibe that he doesn’t hate me, and he did look at me pretty darn often (in that funny way of his) but I didn’t see very much of his signature smirk. He did hug me goodbye, though. It was kinda a man-hug sort of thing, so I honestly don’t know what to think about it. But hawnestly, he makes it incredibly hard to flirt. I kept trying to get a conversation started, but he never noticed, he was always talking with somebody else, usually anyways. Point is I didn’t really get him to myself.

Good thing was, not many other girls from the youth came, so V wasn’t there, and neither were any other of the pretty ones, so I guess I was the prettiest girl there. I hate to say that and make it sound snobbish, but I was just glad that there wasn’t much competition. The stupid thing is that probably four or five of the guys (eventually most of them left) including A kept looking at me and then looking away. Like, you know what I mean? When their checking you out? And then doubling back sometimes?

Sigh.

Well, you know what they say. If you show up and they aren’t whispering, go home and change. Mission accomplished, I suppose 🙂 no need to go home and change.

Wish you the best in 2014! My resolutions>>

-Maybe to date somebody like A or D. That’s a dumb resolution though.

-I want to get abs.

-Also I want to find a way to earn more money for a laptop and cellphone

-To finally get my permit and license

-XOXO

Nicole NonChaire/Amoire