“As the seasons change, I remember how we used to be. Now I can’t go on. I can’t even fight. I’ve got nothing left, just an empty heart.” -Spirit
I don’t mean to be depressing, darlings. But sometimes you’re down, and other times your up. It’s not always crystal clear how you feel. Lately I’ve been feeing strange like that. Probably the bad weather we’ve been having lately has a lot to do with it. I thought it was going to be another in-between fall, like it’s been an in-between summer. Not too hot, not too cool. But it’s been too cold.
Cold enough, in fact, for an early breaking of my beautiful new coat. I’m in love with it, though, so I don’t mind one wit.
Anyhow, the panic escalated quickly, causing me to order out frantically for my turtleneck sweaters. The leaves aren’t staying long, either. I can almost see through the trees. The grass is brown and brittly. Hence my funniness.
The only thing keeping me above the water, really, has been the wonderful music I’ve recently acquired thanks to my new iphone, new card, and fantastically full bank account. Shopping sprees (mostly for junk food or new clothes) combined with an artful taste of a forty-five minute stretching before bed, or really at any random time throughout the day, have been my remedy. I’ve been hitting everything, from Charlotte Russe to H&M to even the better quality places like Zara and RiverIsland. Anywhere, really. But what’s the point of new clothes if there’s no one to show them off to? Ah, my dilemna. Anyhow, next one my list are Hunter boots (I can’t decide what color?) and perhaps another pair of Uggs. Despite being black and pratical, they’ve worn out fast.
It’s also caused by general loneliness. I can’t be real friends, not with anybody at work. The few times I see people I like is in-between school, jobs, ballet, voice lessons, choir, church, and family time. You see what I’m facing? Ah, to be a kid again. Not even the iphone helps. Virtually seeing people isn’t the same as actually coming up and giving them a hug. I can’t feel their warm hug, or smell their just-showered hair, or sense their careless attitudes.
Other ways I cope… hmmm… oh, weheartit and pinterest. Also burying myself in warm clothing. Just the same things over and over again. And reading LOTR or writing poetry.
Such as this little number, pour instance.
“I tell lies about people.
It causes trouble.
Call them fat.
larger than mine.
Wish I had room to hold
so much joy
but I haven’t. ”
Please tell me if you hate it. It’s a very short part of a very long poem. I’d love to know your opinion, and generally to have help realizing I’m not the only one dropping her back in alignment with the imagined stars at the back of her head. Sometimes you just get so drunk on loneliness that it’s hard to pull yourself out of the hangover, even if you want to.
I love you.